ANAL BLEACHING
Where better to start than at the bottom? A relatively new phenomenon in grooming, anal skin bleaching has been made famous by Kourtney Kardashian admitting she’d bleached hers, and Maya Rudolph screaming “I love my new asshole!” in Bridesmaids. We’re OK with ours the way it is, thanks, but if you did want to brighten your bum hole, EF Medispa offers an ‘Intimate Peel’ (from £350, efmedispa.com) which involves applying a solution that ‘improves hyperpigmentation (darkened skin) around the anus’. It shouldn’t hurt, but might feel a bit tender, and requires four 30-minute treatments and home-care.

B-ACNE
You might be lucky enough to get through your teens without a single pimple, but B-acne (AKA back acne) can sneak up on any of us, rather unfairly, at any age. Less likely to be caused by hormones, it’s usually triggered by a pore-clogging cocktail of excess sebum, dead skin cells and sweat from regular exercise (we KNEW it was bad for us). Second to quitting the gym, the best way to tackle it is with pore-clearing, exfoliating acids. Try pre-soaked pads (Glow Peel Pads, £24, Pixi) and a little flexibility or salicylic body washes.

CYSTITIS
Cranberry juice will likely remind you of one of two things: £5 jugs of it mixed with cheap vodka at your student union, or painful, crippling cystitis. Or both, potentially. Often the result of frequent sex (the most common cause), this burning urinary tract infection will affect one in three women under 24 and is best treated with antibiotics. There’s actually little evidence to suggest drinking alkaline fluids, such as cranberry juice, reduces symptoms, so save that for your cocktail and let lots of water do the flushing out instead.

DIY
We’ve read enough articles to know we all masturbate: case closed. But how about a new way to do it? Fun! The world’s first ‘sonic clitoral stimulator’ (Sona, £129, lelo.com) is not a hedgehog shaped sex toy for retro gaming fans, but is in fact a massager that uses sonic waves and pulses, rather than physical vibrations. It also stimulates the entire clitoris, not just the outside part it touches (which would be only around 25%). It has eight settings, is completely waterproof, and – since it doesn’t rely on ‘buzzing’ – is almost totally silent. Happy birthday to us.

EARWAX
A hopeless romantic, Henry VIII could turn anything – even earwax removal – into a couple’s activity. During his courtship
with Anne Boleyn he gave her a gold ‘ear scoop’ for tackling hers. When that didn’t work? Well, we all know how that one ended… This sticky stuff might seem a bit icky, but it’s actually helping to protect and clean your ear canals. It can clog up a bit, but cotton buds will likely just push it further down. A safer way to tackle a build-up is to hit up a specialist doctor for microsuction, where a teeny-tiny ear hoover is used to clear the wax (from £60, hearology.uk) or irrigation, which flushes the gunk out with water (make an appointment with your GP).

VAGINAL DISCHARGE
Discharge isn’t just normal, it’s vital. Just like earwax (but in a VERY different hole), it keeps your precious bits clean, moist and infection free. Texture wise, it should be clear or whitish, watery or a bit stringy. Check in with your GP if there’s a fishy smell, cottage cheesy texture, or cappuccino-like frothiness. And huge apologies if we’ve just ruined your favourite baked-potato topping forever.

OK, now we’re just milking it (sorry)

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